When it's all too much.

Okay, so my flight it officially set for the 13th of August. Hooray! No more hiccups with that. Phew- I'm glad I'm done dealing with that.
Then, my exchange brother from Taiwan is coming 11th of August! So I get to see him for one day, but that's better than nothing! I'm very excited, we've been talking through e-mail and I feel like if I had been staying, we would have been the best of friends. At least one day is better than none.
It's a very odd feeling, to have someone you've never met from across the world call you "sister". It could just be me though, since I have a pretty small family of one brother, parents and four grandparents. Two of which live in Canada. I also have cousins, but they all live in Canada or Hungary, and they're ALL guys. Hah, I'm the only girl in this generation of my family. Maybe that's why I grew up on legos and remote-control toy race cars instead of dolls and makeup. And now I'm getting another brother. I suppose it's better since he and my brother would get along better than if we got a girl.
Speaking of families, I still don't know if my host family in Japan has any kids. I hope they do. I would be nice to have a brother or sister of my age there. Though I would settle for a little sibling. That would be adorable. I could talk with them in my pre-school level of Japanese.
I got my first contact with my counselor over there though.
My family told me they'll be waiting at the airport and sends, "Lots of Love".
It was too much for me when I read that. I nearly broke down in tears. To know someone is over there waiting for me is pretty insane. So now I'm nervous, excited, anxious, happy, sad, worried, curious, scared and a bunch of other feelings I can't even comprehend. (I know I'm not the only one, you other RYE kids. I've heard it in your voices, seen it in your FB posts.) It's like that one Harry Potter quote in the 5th book/movie where Ron says, "One person can't feel all that, they'd explode." And then Hermione says, "Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon." Then they all laugh. I would find a way to relate this to Harry Potter. It's unavoidable.
My eating and sleeping schedule is also way out of tilt. There are days where I haven't eaten anything because I can't. Sometimes I can't stomach food. Like right now, my throat is all tight and it feels like there is a rock in my stomach. I've had this awkward stomach ache for over a week now, you know the ones you get when you're really nervous. It's starting to get on my nerves but I can't get rid of it. Pre-exchange jitters. (Am I right guys?) I wasn't this nervous half a year ago. But I do not regret doing this. One bit.
I have gotten used to the fact that most people won't understand what I'm going through unless they're an exchange student themselves. But that was forewarned by Rotary. I still will love and miss my friends here.
My old insomnia habits have begun to kick in again too. Which is not helping. Of course, I stay up late of my own accord. That's my fault. I enjoy late-night chatting with some people. But then when I do go to bed I wake up one or two hours later and then I'm pissed when I can't fall back to sleep. Which leaves me waking up around midday usually after I eventually fall asleep again. My excuse to my parents is that I'm getting ready for Japan time.
These blogs always turn out longer than I intend them to.
So yup.
終わり。
18日間。
18 days.

Coming to terms.

Well, today I got my flight itinerary.
I managed to get the date bumped back so I leave after my birthday, but now there are other problems with the date of arrival. -sigh- Why must this be so difficult?
Even so, I got the itinerary. All I have to do is sign that piece of paper and BAM, I've got myself a ticket on a plane to Japan. It's kinda crazy. I haven't had any major freak outs yet. Which leaves me thinking, I'd better have one soon so I don't break down at the airport, or go crazy on the plane. The insanity.
So yup.
I take a lot of pauses while writing blogs.
I always end up reflecting on things and thinking of memories. I used to be a very, I dunno how you say it, but a person who didn't like change. At all, ever. I wanted everything to stay the same forever. Same friends, same house, same city. I was always sad if someone moved. I think I was like this up until the end of my Junior year in high school. Then I remember starting out senior year and about a quarter in, around November, I was like, F- THIS PLACE. I WANNA LEAVE! NOW! I guess I could only take so much. Ha. Now I know, sure you leave a place full of memories and friends and family. But they'll always be there. Or elsewhere in the world, but they're not dead. You can talk to them, visit them, especially with all this interwebs and technology now. It's not hard. And, you may leave memories behind, but you won't forget them. You'll also make new memories wherever you go! I realized the more things that change gives you more opportunities to make memories. Does that make sense? Sometimes I don't make sense to myself.
Off topic again.
I've come to terms with what I'm doing I guess. With what I'm leaving. A year in one point of view is really long. Some of my friends are like, it's okay it's only a year. A lot of things can happen in a year! People can change! Things will be different, I guarantee you, when I come back from Japan, everything will be different. I will be different too. In another perspective, a year is a short amount of time. I've heard so many Rotex say, you better cherish every moment, because the year will fly by! And I believe them too. (I'm writing this to all my non-RYE friends, because I'm sure, if you're an RYE student, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.) Yup.
So yeah. Some others may say things like what they regret while moving on to this new stage in their life. There's nothing I really regret. Sure minor things like taking certain classes, or not doing some thing at a certain time. I can't really say I regret those. They turned out a certain way and I got used to it. Not really regrets. There is one thing I really would have like to do, or have done before I left for Japan. Having had? Did? What? I don't know. I can't really regret it, since it's something that you can't control like that...? Not having the chance to do that? It's a really simple thing too. Anyway. Unless you're a really close friend of mine, you probably won't figure it out. But that's okay, there's pretty much zero chance that happening before I leave.
Whatever, I'm not going to mope around.

21 days left.

This blog is set to Japan time.

So I'm really posting this at 2 AM EST. But the blog says otherwise.
Like I've said before, lately I've been at a bit of a loss with what to do with myself. I'm kinda just hanging on to whatever's going on. Japanese lessons with my Rotex have started to cause me real fear. I never fully mastered grammar in English, I'm not sure if I can in Japanese. I also have a deep loathing for French grammar. It's not my strong point. What worries me is that I won't be able to learn all of this lovely language by the time I have to come home. So I'm trying to cram everything possible into my head now, and keep cramming once I'm there. I'd really like to achieve proficiency quickly. I would be nice, but I doubt it highly. Anyway.
I still haven't finished cleaning my room, I can't step anywhere without stepping on something. That's how bad it is. I'm also gonna hafta start ripping down my beloved posters sooner or later... -cry- Since there will be a boy staying in my room for the next year on exchange, and my posters are well... girlish.
My friends have also realized how soon I'm leaving, and them too so they've started to squish plans in for the rest of the summer. It's gonna be really busy.
Wow, I really veered off topic of what I originally intended to write in this blog. My brain is just like, bleh at this point. I wanted to write about things I hate so I could compare after I've been in Japan for a while, but nobody wants to read a list of hateful things I despise. There are really only two things I truly can say I hate without contradicting myself. These would be The Twilight Series and The Disney Channel. Yeah I know, it's stupid things. They're just unfortunate productions of humanity. If you want a wonderful explanation of why Twilight sucks, go read Dan Bergstein's blog on sparknotes. As for Disney Channel? They've never produced a child star who didn't go down in their later years. I won't waste more words on them. Everything else is just something I might strongly dislike, but I've learned to live with it. Like, I can't stand cheese, but hey, if you want to eat it, be my guest I won't stop you. That means less cheese for me. Hooray.
My logic is quite skewed. I'm trying so had to not use some sort of emoticon in these journals. I'm actually doing well writing this one. In past years I used to try writing a journal or something and it always stopped after the first entry. I have several "first entries" to journals I wanted to write but never did. Aren't I a trooper? I'm just lazy.
There was another thing I wanted to write about, but I forgot what it was and now I'm sleepy. I'll end here and write another day. Anyhoo. Bye bye!

My thought pattern is inconsistent.

Well, it's getting closer. My departure date that is. Actually, it's exactly 3 weeks from today. I'm kinda scared now that I think about it. Still, excited but I think as long as I am still here at home I will be sad. I've started saying goodbye to my friends. Which is heartbreaking, but I haven't started packing. There is so much I need to get sorted out before I leave. Speaking of leaving, my departure date is 2 days before my birthday. Which also means I will land in Japan on my birthday. (Time difference issues.) Happy Birthday to me! Yeah I admit I'm scared. Anyone in their right mind would be scared. Then again if I had just been going to Europe or something, I wouldn't have been half as scared. That's besides the point. I've only had two "freak-out" moments, both were rather small. The first one was in June, and I was like, "Holy shit! I'm really actually going to Japan! That's freaking awesome!" The second one was recently and it was more like, "Holy shit... I'm going to Japan. What the f**k am I doing?" Yeah, It's been quite hard on me. I think I've been banging my head on the wall more than usually. I don't really know. My progress in Japanese is coming along fine... I guess. I mean considering the fact that my Rotex knew much less then I did when they went kinda comforts me. As long as I don't forget everything I know the moment I step off the plane. My Facebook and Twitter are set in Japanese so I'm getting quite used to the sight of it. I also feel like I haven't fully realized the extent of what I'm doing. I feel like I'm in a sort of limbo from now until I leave. I don't know what to do with myself. There are things I really want to get done before I go, but it's difficult to do them. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Mostly I sit home and watch Youtube videos to keep my spirit up until my friends drag me out to do something. It's rather sad. My summer life has revolved around the internet and the swimming pool so far. It's so exciting.
Anyway. I've started cleaning my room out. I heard from a past exchange student that before you leave, you should clean your room out so that when you return the new you can feel more comfortable and less awkward. I've thrown out so many things, I feel like I have to throw away part of myself. To make room for my new Japanese self. Haha I can't wait to see what happens when I come back. I know there will be a difference, I've seen it in my Rotex. They are different from other... non-Japanese-Exchange-students? But they aren't bad things. They're just little Japanese quirks they have that are different from the American quirks I'm used to here. (If you read this Aaron, Mely, you're the best teachers ever!)
So yeah. I haven't cried yet. About leaving. And when saying goodbye to people. Actually I'm not surprised. I don't generally cry very much. Who knows. I'll probably cry when I say goodbye at the airport. And with my best friends. By that I mean someone else will start crying first and then I will end up crying. Bleh, enough about crying.
Pretty much everyone who knows me also knows I don't hug very much. So if I give you hugs of my own accord, you must be special. Haha, just trying to lighten the mood a bit. >>;
Gonna go back to cleaning my room now. I have so much shit to get rid of.

My hands were shaking the entire time I wrote this.

Self Impressions.

Spending time away on a boat for a week has some serious consequences. First of all, potential head injuries from bashing my head into the wall constantly. If you are Hungarian you will understand my pain of being stuck on a ship with 4 elderly grandparents, family friends, and my parents. THEY NEVER STOP COMPLAINING. It doesn't matter about what. The walls are too flat, the carpet is too carpet-like, the back hurts, the head hurts, this alcohol is too dry, he's had too much alcohol, why aren't I wearing a dress to dinner? What are you eating? Fish? No no no, how can you eat that.
But I digress.
Second, when I did get time to myself, I think too much. This is not a new occurrence. A shocker to people, I know! Ha. I got a whole week to think about what I've been doing, where I'm going, and whether or not I should eat dessert tonight.  As I wrote in my entry "First Impressions" I am not the same person who applied to Rotary Youth Exchange, 8 long months ago. Wow, I can't believe it's that long ago. Now I don't mean to be cynical in any way. I think that these changes were definitely for the better.
I listen more, I observe more, I judge less, I argue less, I am more open to new things, I'm not as lazy, I focus more, and try harder. I'm pretty sure this is what the goal of the two orientations from RYE-FL were for. I was a pretty obnoxious kid actually. Especially the first two years of high school. Wow, reading back on some things I had written, other posts on other sites. Damn, I annoyed the hell out of people. I realize that my family, and my best friend took the brunt of this however. Not to mention my best friend. I'm so happy she still stuck with me all those years. Angie's the best.
Now, the orientation back in January was like, a simple informative meeting. All the technical stuff no one really cares about. Now this second orientation in June, well that was a real mind blower. All weekend, we were put in uncomfortable situations, confused like we'd never known. It was a simulation for us of being in a foreign country, and initial culture shock. There were students who started to doubt themselves, those who were scared shitless, and those who started to wonder, just how difficult this would really be. You see, no one, will ever understand an exchange student, like a fellow exchange student can. I really wish, what was taught to us that weekend, and every uncomfortable situation we were forced into, was a mandatory class in high school. They could call the class, "Culture Shock". I wonder how many kids would fail out of that. I am not putting exchange students on a pedestal, by any means. I'm sure there are plenty more kids that could handle this well, I'm only saying that each and every kid out in this big old world of ours needs to experience what we did from June 24th to the 26th. It was definitely thought provoking. It opened our eyes. No, saying they stapled our eyes open would be more appropo. Anyways. I don't mean to get deep and all philosophical on you reading this. There will be occasions I post from Japan and it will be like I'm from a different planet I'm sure. I'm probably going to have lost my mind a few months in. They say the honeymoon period lasts only about a month. Then comes culture shock and then you plummet to the bottom of the chart from there (for about 5 months). My goal is to jump from the honeymoon phase, shorten the depressed phase, and bowl straight in to the assimilation phase.
It all depends how fast I learn Japanese actually. 
Maybe I sound a bit too over confident?
That's a good thing actually. I've been told, it's better to feel confident about your abilities then to doubt yourself before you get there. I'll let culture shock hit me when it does and deal with it accordingly.
For now, let me think Japan is rainbows and butterflies? Isn't it?

First Impressions.

"Hello and Konnichiwa! My name is Rebecca. Jyuu nana sai desu, to Kanada kara kimashitaka. -I am 17 years old and I am originally from Canada.- I’ve lived in Florida most of my life however, and I attend Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School currently. I will be graduating high school before I leave on my exchange to take a year in Japan before I go to university. Let me tell a bit about myself.

Okay, it is very hard for me to write this professionally because I AM SO EXCITED TO BE GOING TO JAPAN. I have been thinking about this for a year and now my chance has finally come, thanks to the wonderful Rotary Youth Exchange!! I am 5’6”, have blonde hair and green/blue eyes. And let me tell you, I will stick out like a sore thumb in Japan, oh boy. I don’t care though because it will be so exciting. I’m pretty good at using chopsticks (which will be essential to my survival) so I think I’ll be okay.

When I first discovered foreign exchanges, and presented the idea to my parents, well it wasn’t even to be heard of. But after many months of research, perseverance and discipline, I am turning this dream of mine into a reality! Just the thought of spending a year in a completely different culture gives me the chills. Carpe Diem, right? I can’t wait to be hit with this “culture shock” stuff, it sounds like fun! I actually think reverse culture shock will be harder for me to deal with. Haha. If anything, I love the idea of doing something so un-routine. Different is exciting, ne? I am ready to take on these responsibilities and expectations, sir!

At home in Florida, I live with my mom and dad, little brother and my 10 year old kitty. I’ll miss all of my family and friends like crazy. I come from a diverse family and currently I can speak English, French, and Hungarian. I’m a very excitable person and I like a wide variety of things including (but not limited to) traveling, sports, video games, reading, music, and drawing. I love Tae Kwon Do, playing Tennis and my favorite everything is Harry Potter. The type of music I like ranges from Classical to classic rock, although recently I am all about that Japanese pop. Yay!

Of Japanese, so far I’ve learned a few basic words, phrases, etc…, including memorizing the entire Hiragana chart, and half of the Katakana. So I hope I’ll be okay. I think learning a whole new “alphabet” if you will, is going to be the biggest challenge.

I’d like to thank Rotary Florida for giving me this amazing opportunity and my parents for letting me do this. I love you Mom and Dad. I look forward to this coming year with great anticipation and excitement.

Culture shock here I come!

-Rebecca, べき"

“To be proud to associate with people of all cultures, creeds, and races, knowing with deep conviction that International Understanding is the fruit of International Peace.”

–Rotary Pledge.

... This is what I wrote back in January for the RYE-FL website. 

Reading back on this, I really wish they had made us write this at a nearer time to our departure. There is a great difference to how I would have written this is I had to write an introduction now.

That introduction now gives off an air of naivete to me, of course I was excited. I had just stepped into the world of exchange students, a fresh pick off the vine. Unsuspecting, ignorant almost. This self-intro, doesn't feel like it's me anymore. It just doesn't work anymore. 

It's not the same person. I'm not the same person as I was 6 months ago.