Hi.
I realize it's been a really really long time since I did anything on here.
Mostly because I forgot the password. And I got busy in Japan.
Now I am back in America. If anyone wants to see more from when I was in Japan, check my picasa gallery or my youtube.
I don't really know what I'm doing right now, on here. I should be finishing my lab report and studying for a mid-term I have in UNI tomorrow, but I just have to get this heavy weight off my chest. Please excuse my incoherent thoughts. I just need to write.
So, ever since I got home from Japan (July 22), life has been well... less than spectacular. There are ups, and there are downs. But mostly downs. Living in Japan, next to Tokyo, in a city, it was amazing. The best experience I've had my entire life. August in America went by with... nothing special. I entered University. To many, it should be a wonderful time of adventure, starting a new chapter in life, a new beginning. I started uni with, less than a blink of the eye and a "meh". To me, starting uni was like, jumping in a puddle. Compared to being sent off to Japan, which was like jumping across an ocean. Literally and figuratively. My biggest problem being back, is dealing with people. Sure I'm okay with classes, I enjoy some, and hate one. I think required freshman courses are a waste of my time and productivity and there is nothing I would like more than to be able to just skip all of them. Waste of brainpower in my opinion. I am in a Japanese 6 class, which is all seniors and grad students who were like, "What is this freshman doing here?" But they are all really nice people, and many have been to Japan and it's fun when our professor lets us share stories and experiences, it makes me happy inside. (Entirely spoken in Japanese by the way). It's funny because, them I can deal with. I can talk to these seniors and 20-something year olds and feel okay and it kind of feels like they're my older siblings. They all get a kick out of it when I call them senpai. And they understand me when I'm having a rotten day because I don't know how to speak to anyone or make friends. And my Japanese professor. From Japan, (Fukokua specifically) Sensei everyone calls her. She is really sweet to me. She even sits me down sometimes and asks if I'm okay. She says she can almost see the question marks spinning around my head as if I were in a cartoon, perpetually confused is what my face looks like apparently. But, I know this feeling. It is similar. Very similar to the first couple of months in Japan. I had no friends, no bearings, was mostly lost and confused. Similar, but now there is also a difference. There is a huge emptiness this time. What is it that is missing? My first anchor in Japan was my host family, kind, loving, understanding my safe haven from sad days. Here, I have family. And I love them dearly. But, it's not always a happy, stress-free environment. And I've changed. But my family hasn't. Only maybe my brother who over the last year seems to have developed a rigid work ethic and a permanent frown on his face. ...He used to be such a happy kid. Another thing I'm missing. The support group of Exchange students. The group of the most amazing people I've met in my life, selected by rotary and forced to be together not by choice, but by chance. And somehow, in this random bizarre group of mis-matched oddities, we became the tightest family. I compare my exchange family to the saying, "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family." Because we certainly didn't pick each other. I can remember each and every one of them specifically, everyone's smiles, laughs, accents. And I'm lucky enough to have captured some of these things on camera and video. And sometimes I'll randomly laugh or smile when a random memory of one of them floats through my head. I miss you guys so much. But, back to finding friends here... the search has been, well, less than successful. I've learned that I don't know how to talk to people. Much less approach them. In a new school, I started out with zero friends. It is the end of October and I have.... 2. The 2 I meet on fridays and chat with over lunch a couple hours. The only 2 new numbers in my phone. I met them at the beginning of the year in a freshman camp. And luckily have remained in contact and become friends with now. As for my Japanese 6 class. Most of them are graduating in the spring, or moving or being interns or whatever is it grad-students do. So where does that leave me? I'm not sure. There is also the fact that I commit more social faux-pas than a freshly immigrated immigrant to America does in a year in a day. I regularly screw up my English, forget words, reject proper grammar and sentence structure. I also have to catch myself before I bow subconsciously to everyone at anyone. I wave my hand in front of my nose when saying no, I mumble to myself in Japanese while walking, I swear in Japanese, and so many people stare at me all the time when I walk by. My guess is the strange foreign clothes that I wear. And it occurred to me, all those movies where there's that strange foreign kid wearing the strange foreign clothes? That's me. I'm that strange foreign kid. It also doesn't help that I always have a small towel, mirror, and hair brush wherever I go. So, I guess what is most bothering me is this constant feeling of loneliness. On the other hand there is the part of me that is very happy I don't have to deal with many people and keep a constant maintenance of social properness. There's also a bit of me who has this weird sense of pride in that I am so strange and badly adapted. It's like, I am really weird. How weird are you? I bet I can out-weird you. I've always loved to stand out be different, but this I mean, come on. Too much to the point that I can't make friends? I have the strangest sense of being. I don't even have myself figured out sometimes. All I know is that there is a very hollow feeling that I constantly have. What does make me happy these days? I dance, it's fun, exercise, organizes my thoughts for the amount of time the song is. I love learning dances. It's a sense of structure. Also, I keep up with my favorite youtubers in the world. Hatfilms from the UK. They're great. I worked for them a bit back in march and april, and I still keep up with them even now. Great guys. They always manage to get me to crack a smile, or give me a laugh even on my worst days. They make the best videos. I may even get to work with them again in the near future, so I really look forward to that. There's those, and yeah, Big Time Rush is still a thing for me. Their show makes me giggle and their music makes me happy. It's all I need to have a good day sometimes. Between those things, I'm usually on the internet, looking for funny things, chatting with people, studying, video editing, or sleeping. Really, it's not that I don't have friends. It rather that my friends aren't here. Sometimes these small happinesses feel superficial though. Which is when I feel really down in the dumps. I knew true happiness when I was in Japan, and I hope I can find it again very soon. What is my life about? For now I guess I have to go through the reverse culture shock slowly, immerse myself in activities, and re-learn how to make friends. Classes will be done sooner than I know and then maybe I can plan my escape. For now, this is all I've got.
So, these are the ramblings of an exchange student going through reverse culture shock. Maybe someone can relate? If anyone does please say so. It will make me feel so much less alone. Also, put your methods of dealing with RCS maybe? I love sharing.
In writing this I do feel much better, but I also have to swallow a bit of my pride, as I do try not to complain much and this journal is just one big sack of pathetic.
Honestly I would write more often but, for me writing is a spur of the moment thing, and most of the time I am just too darn lazy to act on it.
Also, the title, "Fitting out" Is my mix of "Fitting in" and "Standing out" as I'm not quite sure which I am doing at the moment.
